Actually, She Doesn’t Want to Be ‘Saved’.

Actually, She is Just Like 'Him'.

They’re your “other half“.

Your love, your mirror, two peas in a pod, one in the same.

There are all these phrases we use to describe the truth about true love, bonded by one fact - that your partner is a reflection of you, for better or for worse.

It’s alright, don’t worry, this isn’t a dating column, that’s not my niche, as those of you subscribed to me know already. But, I’ve never found an issue throwing in the occasional (essay length) piece of commentary on dating culture. To clarify, this week's post isn’t centered around dating advice as much as it’s about… holding up a mirror.

When you make posts dubbing Melania Trump an ‘Icon’ or talk about how much you love her outfits, or insinuate that Lana Del Ray remains the angelic princess you imagine her to be, or insist that Ballerina Farm was the tragedy of the century, pardon me if I begin to wonder about the relationships with the men in your life. It must feel good to imagine for a moment that his stains don’t implicate you or worse, show you a part of who you truly are.

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An Interlude…

Before continuing I do feel obligated to note that I’m obviously not talking about women battling against domestic violence. Though this goes without saying, I still felt the need to clarify. In fact, the sanitisation of conservative or fascist women, even as they support fascist partners does the most harm to victims. But more detail about that later…

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Of course it’s far easier to admit to certain parallels.

You might spend months holding resentment for your partner’s inability to reason, or lack of consideration, only to realise upon breaking up that perhaps the problem was the pair of you were too similar, and that your own inability to reason and lack of consideration were half the problem. We’ve come to distrust the men who claim that to have a ‘crazy ex’, save for the rare occasion they’re telling the truth, because we recognise that it takes two. Upon hearing about said ‘crazy ex’, we ask one follow up question;

“What was it you did to make her that way?”

Because if you did, make her that way, then chances are there’s a part of you prone to some kind of madness too.

And it doesn’t always look like this either. We know that anxiously attached and avoidant people often find (or stumble) upon each other because at either end of the spectrum, both parties are operating from a place of insecurity. So despite the fact that one half of the relationship works tirelessly to maintain it to their own detriment, and the other might sooner burn it down, they’re actually more alike than we’ve come to believe.

But again, these are somewhat easy truths to come to terms with, whether in your journal, with your friend or therapist, because for the most part the insecurities in our romantic relationships tend to affect us worst of all. Whilst our self-perception might be entirely shattered, our communities will help us pick up the pieces because we’re still worth caring for, and can still be generally considered good people.

So then, it makes perfect sense why we’re so insistent on the fact that in one isolated area, we can live and breathe our partners whilst being completely different somehow. It all derives from that one conservative talking point, that despite our ideological differences, that we should all hold hands and get along anyway. This is some kind of self soothing at it’s finest, because most of the people who think like this are always either painfully pacifist or proudly right-wing, which might as well all be the same thing at this point. Those women married to ring-wing or fascist men might try to convince themselves that her and her husband aren’t all that alike, and that the ways in which he inflicts harm on others has little to do with her and as such, the hatred he receives, eroding his own image will somehow have little impact on her own.

Still, it comes to no surprise that conservatives have managed to convince themselves of the lie, continuing to live their lives unconcerned with the harm they might cause along the way. But what surprises me just a little more, are the self-proclaimed ‘leftists’ who facilitate the lie for them.

Somehow Julia Fox has managed to rebrand herself after her relationship with Kanye, who had been reciting anti semitic and violently misogynistic talking points since before they were together, not to mention his long standing support for Trump. When confronted with this contradiction, she opted for the one story that might double as a ‘Get out of Jail Free!’ card.

“I had this thought: I was like, ‘Oh, my God, maybe I can get him off of Kim’s case. Maybe I can distract him, just get him to like me and I know if anyone can do it, it’s me”.

Whilst there were those of us who sat observing the circus, her core fanbase accepted this as the truth; a kind of ‘noble act’ to save Kim K, you know… as she stood beside the man who abused her, helping to prop up his image as a shamed man isolated from his wife and kids.

The most fans did in this instance was to simply label Fox a ‘Pick Me’ and keep it pushing. The ‘Pick me!’ is redeemable, a product of internalised misogyny, and most importantly, is relatable to them. But somewhere beneath that fallacy, they’ll have to one day reckon with the truth that the conservative lived in Fox, or Usha Vance, or Taylor Swift, just as it lived in them, their biggest and loudest defender.

Between fan bases and their excuses, we’re back to old, almost bio-essentialist narratives surrounding our capacity to do harm.

We know that white women are depicted as being incapable of any wrongdoing, which explains why so many are so determined to look at their husbands as being the source of their failings, ignoring the evidence to suggest she’s just like him.

…But I’ve written about this already, and don’t necessarily feel like repeating myself…

Separately, we should be wary of the narrative that says “Men are inherently bad, women are inherently good”. I mean I get how easy it is to come to that conclusion, given all the ways in which the men in our society repeatedly and inflict pain in a way that almost appears instinctive. But looking to biology to account for their crimes only stands to provide some other explanation (excuse) here, divorcing them from the accountability that comes with choice. On the flip side, when we say that women are incapable of holding values that stand to negatively impact millions, like transphobic, racist, ableist, or nationalist rhetoric, we invalidate the victims of these women, who would certainly have a lot to say about their ‘capacity for harm’.

But then, once again it never was about these other women, public figures. When women die on the hill that “You are not your partner!”, the real fight is to convince themselves as much as they try to convince us all. It becomes almost a necessity to believe in that myth, unless they commit to the role and accept they’re not all that good either.

But for those that actually pride themselves in being ‘for the community’, there exists an alternative.

Next time you go on a first date and you’re learning all about the person, their families, their job, their occupation, you might initiate a more in depth discussion about the deeper things in life. You might ask them about the relationship trauma they’ll inevitably drag into this new relationship and their relationship with themselves, OR you might ask them about their politics. Otherwise there are signs, (things to look out for),

That is, if you're willing to look out for them.

Asisa