“Please, Please, Please, Don’t Embarrass me, Motherf*cker"

When the only thing that could destroy your image might be... him?

“When did having a man become such a liability for embarrassment”

- are words that have been playing on a loop in my mind this last week. Since watching a video made by one of my favourite content creator’s Kiera Breaugh, I’ve been analysing this concept in my head, and realised these words rung true.

Describing this phenomenon as a paradigm shift, Kiera discusses a recent track made by one of our most successful popstars of late, Sabrina Carpenter, in which the catchy (and hilarious) chorus goes :

Please, please, please
Don't prove I'm right
And please, pleasе, please
Don't bring me to tеars when I just did my makeup so nice
Heartbreak is one thing, my ego's another
I beg you, don't embarrass me, little sucker, oh
Please, please, please (Ah)

As I’m writing this, I realise that by now I’ve heard this song so many times before (I doubt I’ll get it’s tune out of my head any time soon), especially when the lyrics captivate a sentiment that women everywhere are relating to right now.

We know that when we take a glimpse into societies’ past, the ability for a woman to exist outside of her relationship was minimal. Not more than a century ago, it was one’s ability to maintain relationships with their boyfriends or husbands that solidified their proximity to power, wealth and success, with the consideration of her continued attraction to him serving as nothing more than the ‘cherry on the top!’,

- an entirely unnecessary component of this arrangement.

Naturally this wasn’t a truth lost on the men of these generations. Whether they would have (at the time) admitted it or not, there was a unique security in knowing that her existence relied on yours in a sense, that none of your potential infidelities, abuses or transgressions would go answered so long as she existed within the confines of this binding contract.

Because even if she did leave, where would she go?...

It is one thing to hold this kind of power, but it is another thing entirely to be acutely aware of it, allowing you to behave in a way that plays on your darker impulses, and we’ve seen that a lot of them did, and many still do of course. To a culture riddled with misogynistic impulse and hegemonic control, the notion of female equality seemed just as terrifying as it did unlikely, but thanks to the efforts of women like Crenshaw and Davis, their daughters and granddaughters would one day experience something of a slightly different reality.

I mean it must be said that the extent to which things differ for women generally now varies depending on her geographical location, economic status and race, in addition to variables occurring differently from woman to woman, and so we can’t in good faith really place a blanket over worldwide female suffering in saying ‘things are just so much better now! ’, ’ as so many attempt to do. But where there is increasing awareness and education surrounding our histories, and evidence of real change in some areas, women are at the very least, not beholden to men in the way they used to be.

As such, when the moment arises for a woman to choose a male romantic partner, they’re realising that there are more choices than one. We’ve seen how real this is in light of the announcement of the so-called ‘Male Loneliness Epidemic’ that was just about the ‘most-ground-breaking’ story out there in recent months/years gone past. Having written something about this on here myself months ago, I can say that the topic feels… stale now, in the sense that we no longer care…

“The mere embodiment of the mended man, as we know it simply isn’t working, and male companionship in this world can only come with a genuine desire to change and evolve in order to cater to the women around him. Until then he will likely remain isolated. When we’re discussing romantic relationships, I’ll likely struggle to sympathise for those who are lonely with the refusal to change”.

- Her Issue ‘Men and the Mission to Remedy Seclusion’.

I have to admit though, that the ever-looming presence of this ever-so-sad truth reminds us of this ‘paradigm shift’ that Kiera was talking about. If men are becoming increasingly lonely, then women are re-centred as the ‘prize’. We often joke about how movies made in the early-mid 2000’s could never get a pass in society now, and I’m willing to bet this goes for one trope specifically more than any other. When we’ve capitalised on phrases like “He’s Just not that into you” and “How to lose a guy in 10 days”, we were repeatedly instilling this notion that since the presence of a man was still very much required, then you might as well learn to keep one.

Now though, women aren’t so bothered about keeping a boyfriend or a husband because it no longer contributes to validating their attractiveness and overall success as women. Having recognised that the presence of a man is no longer a pre-requisite for success in quite the same way, they’re starting to consider whether his image aligns with her own, whether he serves to benefit this life she has curated for herself, or whether he’ll embarrass her…

More and more women now are more able to exercise their willed autonomy to the fullest extent, which includes recognising and being able to call out damningly negative traits in their male partners. And of course this authority doesn’t merely exist within the realms of our own personal lives, but exists right in the middle of late night discussions with our friends when we advise them to get rid of him. Personally I’ve noticed that the language I use to give my advice to friends circles the very concept I’m talking about. You’d sooner hear me say ‘He just doesn’t make sense in your life’, than anything else.

For those that choose to ignore sage advice from their friends, there is this air of embarrassment, rather than understanding as to why she decided to stay with him. It goes without saying that I’m not talking about circumstances of abuse here, but rather your everyday relationship wherein ‘he’s not all bad’, or something.

But she knows, and we know that he’s a liability. Ms. Carpenter’s words sound like pleading a man who has demonstrated nothing but kindness, generosity and good intentions thus far, to remain that way, to promise that he won’t one day embarrass her as so many do with their own female partners.

Those of us living online have seen this sentiment run rampant even if it isn’t always explicitly articulated. Popular lifestyle and beauty influencer Monet McMichael faced recent backlash following an interview in which her boyfriend, (whose name I can’t remember at this time) discusses that 50/50 VS ‘Sole Male Provider’ conversation that for some reason we can’t seem to stop talking about, where many felt as though the lavish lifestyle he is always portrayed as offering her doesn’t align with this kind of talk. I for one think the conversation is far more complex that what has surfaced online for the most part, but I digress. The general sense here was that in opening up about the ways in which it is hard for men in this economy to exist as the sole provider, he embarrassed not only himself, but more importantly her.

I do have one problem with this feeling though, in that the idea that a man who you might not even be married to, or eternally connected to in any way has the capacity to destroy your image, seems like a way of invertedly re-attaching the female existence to that of her nearest man. The application of the ‘don’t embarrass me’ idea should only really be applied to this extent when he’s seen committing acts that are objectively reprehensible. For more detail, these would include acts of sexual or physical violence, rampant misogyny, homophobia and the like. But unless I’m missing something, I don’t believe that Monet’s career should take a hit for this. Afterall, in their case, her only crime might be committing to a man whose core beliefs don’t reflect the glamourised image they’re portraying online. It is entirely true that one’s character is reflected by the partner they choose, as well as the integrity of that partner being indicative of the self-love present in the woman in this equation. But like everything else, there has to be some balance.

Afterall, misogyny will always find a way to weave its way into the fabric of modern-day feminism, no matter how seemingly thick. Don’t get me wrong, I find this whole shift hilarious for the most part, but I’m also wary of a narrative that says the credibility of female success is threatened by the credibility of the man next to her (when he isn’t guilty of anything tangible of that is).

Kiera captivates this concern perfectly,

‘Now these men are able to man you look like less than what you have built’.

One good consequence of this though is that women are becoming far more selective. In a similar way to the loneliness epidemic, I hope that this new climate will encourage men everywhere to become a little more than what misogyny required them to be previously, a little more than mediocre,

A little more than ‘That Guy’.

Asisa